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SPECIAL REPORT: DECEMBER 2009
THE SILVER BULLET OF RAPPORT
“Hello, thank you for calling Comcast, this is Nathan, how can I help you?”
“I’m going to start crying, Nathan, I’m serious I’m about to start crying!”
“Oh, well let’s help you not have to do that, what’s going on?”
“You are the seventh person from Comcast I’ve spoken to on the phone and I have had three technicians out here in the last week. I have a weak Internet signal. Now, Nathan I teach webinars for a living and when I have twenty five people waiting for me in a virtual classroom and I can’t get there because I’ve gotten kicked off the Internet. . .that’s not good. I need someone here tomorrow morning in time for my one o’clock webinar!”
“I see why you are on the verge of tears.”
“Thank you. Exactly!”
“The last thing you probably want to do is tell the story yet again, but can I ask you to bear with me and tell me how you got here today so I can determine what the best next steps to get you a strong signal?”
“Sure. Last Monday. . .”
Nathan did something magical in that short interaction. He got me from screaming to calmly telling him my story from the beginning. As you read this exchange, where do you think the magic happened? For me the tipping point was when he said, “I see why you are on the verge of tears.” He validated what I was experiencing. Any therapist will tell you the power of validation, but it isn’t used as often and as effectively as it could be in our day to day conversations. Validation is being able to not just understand what someone is telling you, but to demonstrate you really get it. The skill of validating is the silver bullet of rapport because when someone feels they are fully heard and understood, they open up like flowers to the sun, gently.
The skill of validating requires a quality of listening, listening from the gut up. Listening from the nose up or the chin up is not the same. You have to put your gut into it. When you listen from the gut, you are more able to listen with less judgment and more empathy. This is the first explanation why validating isn’t done as often as it could be. We are often so distracted and preoccupied we half listen to each other, or listen for what we expect or want to hear, or are thinking about what we are going to say next and not really listening at all.
Once we have made some room in our minds and hearts to take in the point of views, concerns, experiences and ideas of someone else, there are three levels of validating:
- The “uh huh” Level. Validating doesn’t even have to be a sentence, it can be verbal and in face to face communication non-verbal cues that show we are understanding fully. A laugh, an “aww, geez,” or an “OMG,” even facial expressions can validate what someone is telling you. But the key is that we are genuinely listening from the gut, because I can “uh huh” and head nod all day long and not be validating.
- The Apology Level. Sometimes just saying, “Gee, I’m sorry you didn’t get that in time,” is a validation that you recognize the magnitude of the situation. Joe is an award winning interior decorator and a warehouse didn’t send a set of drapes on the day he was installing a home. “The thing that got me so mad was she just kept saying they didn’t go out! All she had to do was say she was sorry, what do you say to that?”
- The Rephrase Level. This level is for the masters. Validating by putting into your own words what you understand their situation to be takes the quality listening and the verbal agility to capture in an authentic way what they are telling you. “Just what you needed!” “As if you didn’t know that!” “Well, it was your turn!” “That wasn’t going to work.” “Sounds like one of those proud moments.” “I can see why you’re on the verge of tears.” You know you’ve nailed it when the person responds, “Exactly!”
The skill of being able to validate is the silver bullet of rapport and a powerful tool in diffusing heated emotion. In one fell swoop you can change a dynamic from us against each other to us against the problem. Don’t take my word for it, experiment for yourself. By the way, safe to practice with friends and family.
Nathan knows how powerful validating can be. He actually had me laughing and making a joke of the whole thing! Here’s the kicker, I ended up thanking him profusely and he didn’t even do anything for me! A technician came out two days later and discovered the box feeding the neighborhood needed replacing and that wasn’t going to happen for a week. It was ok, I went to a friend’s house and it all worked out.
Sharon Hoyle Weber
Phone: 781-424-0442
Email: sharon@hotinthepot.com
Cohasset, Massachusetts USA
http://www.hotinthepot.com